Jingle My Bella
by Twiddler83
Summary: On Christmas break, Edward discovers he's not alone in his crazy world. A chat room girl who shares his love of music, art, and tattoos, might be a wish, but what happens when she turns out to be someone else, too? Will she deck his hall or jingle his bell? EPOV - ExB - AU - Rated M .
1. Chapter 1

_**So, a little something ... it popped up, Midnight Cougar said she wanted it ... here we go. A HUGE thank you to her for taking the time during a busy holiday season and for adding in her own brand of crazy! Thank you so much honey! Missy for making my crazy awesome banner! I loves you! It's wonderful. This is a funny story ... I hope you find it that way as well!**_

_**SM owns it ... I just want to ride Edwards candy cane. Just saying! **_

_**Here we go! Thanks everyone for taking the time to read this! 31 chapters - two days time! EPOV ... Short drabblish - some longer than others!**_

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It's Christmas break, and I'm home from college. I lie here in my bedroom staring up at the ceiling, listening to the purchase I just made on iTunes and getting lost in my thoughts of being back at home. I let the words drift through my head; taking me far away from the place where I am now. I'd rather be back in my dorm room, enjoying the peace and quiet and talking to my friends online.

I mean, hell, anything is better than listening to the porn star moaning next to me in the adjacent room. So, it's either charging unlimited songs to my parentals' credit card or listening to the rapping skills my brother is spouting about "slow motion," and "liking it like that," but it sounds more like a baby cow missing its mother. I squeeze my eyes shut at the images my head is conjuring up, and I eventually throw the pillow over my head and groan into it, relieving some of my frustration.

It's one thing when you hear your roommate spanking bank, but for your family members—there's nothing worse.

I feel my phone vibrate and the ding cuts through the music, pulling me out of my scream fest. Throwing the pillow across my room, I look down and smile, reading the name that filters through the screen. I slide my finger and open up the message that awaits me, smiling bigger than a giddy school girl in the middle of a dress shop as I quickly type a response.


	2. Chapter 2

Moving away has been one of the best things that happened to me, but also one of the most terrifying. I imagined it would be hard to make friends, due to the fact, of course, my family made it hard for me, but that wasn't the case at college. Watching others in a place that was supposed to be strange, but in reality, wasn't. It's nice to hear normal conversations with other people my age who don't speak in riddle and in rhyme; going to a party consisting of music, alcohol and talking. The feeling of not being surrounded by fifty ladies taking over the living room, drinking wine and talking about their sex drives and other parts of their bodies that a teenage boy shouldn't be listening to.

But, the kick ass part of it all: I can be who I want to be. Nobody thinks differently of me because they know who my parents and family are and what they do or how they act.

Everyone has secrets, something buried deep in closets or in the back of minds. I personally have one that hits close to home. That being, my crazy ass family who are a few steps away from admitting themselves into the nut house. Then, I also have those enigmas which are—on any other given day—shown to the world. But, as of right now—are hidden under the sleeves of my sweater.


	3. Chapter 3

I've changed for the better and unfortunately my family still sees me as the book-infested, paint-loving, quiet kid who I once was and, in a way, I still am. But, when you move away from your so-called normal, you find out it's not the way you thought it was once. In a way, you're like a fucking Chia Pet. You spread your seeds, watch yourself grow, cutting back when need be, nourish yourself with some kind of substance. Then, when it's all said and done, you're a beautiful rabbit, ready to hop out into the real world.

Sure, I might still be the nerdy-dork one of our whole bunch, but really, I'm the only one who makes at least halfway sense around here. I'm an Art major, minoring in Business—and according to my fabulous brother it gets you a one-way ticket into bullyville; him being the bully, of course.

I hear a loud pounding on my door.

Then pull the headphones from my ears.

And, it starts.


	4. Chapter 4

"Edweenie, get your ass moving. Mom and Pops are waiting, yo."

Ah, my brother Emmett. Yeah, they broke the damn mold when they made him and thank God for that. If the first child is always the prominent child of families, I'm sure as shit happy I was born second. Even though we're from the Midwest, Emmett feels he's not genetically inclined to be from a place he calls "lame." All it took was one episode of _Jersey Shore_, and before we knew it, Emmett brought it to a whole new level. The guy is now built like a brick shithouse and is more red-orange than a genetically grown—steroid infested goldfish that's covered in baby oil like some poor defenseless seal stuck out in the middle of an oil spill in the Atlantic.

He's twenty-six, living with the mindset of a newly twenty-one-year-old. I swear the guy has purchased stock in Neutrogena spray tan products, and if he hasn't, he needs to. Trust me; I walked through the ever growing fog this morning in the bathroom after Emmett walked out like a walking zombie with stickers placed over his eyes. Let's just say, from merely walking into the puff of tan, I became another color myself.

And to think, he makes fun of me for being an Art major? Well … at least I'm doing something with my life rather than be like him. He proclaims he's the _Doctor Phil_ of the hardware store. It's apparently his dream job and wouldn't fathom doing something else in life. The fool always states he knows all about the things real men should know and how he should share his knowledge with less manly men, like myself, who come in asking questions. He goes on and on about power tools, pine boards, screwing and nailing, and even tries to explain and teach people about the woodies you get in the morning.

He still lives with our mom and dad and doesn't have any plans on removing his mack daddy, white ass from our childhood home any time soon. I kind of have pity on the parentals, but not really. They created the monster; therefore having to deal with him on an everyday basis is their own fault. Either Mom should have swallowed or pretended to be too tired. Better yet, Dad should have pulled out when they had the chance.


	5. Chapter 5

I get up and make my way to the bathroom before heading out, because there's no telling where in the hell we will wind up at tonight. I open the door and step inside only to land flat on my ass.

"Emmett, what the hell did you do to the floor?" I yell out. I try to stand, only to fall back to the floor hard. I slowly crawl over to the bathtub and I hear him laughing.

"That's just my oil, dude. You should be more careful." He pops his head in the doorway while I feel like I need a life alert button for safety.

"You're an asshole. How much shit did you put on?" I question.

He simply shrugs. "Enough to make me look good." He smiles brightly.

"God, you must be greasier than the fucking fried chicken they sell at the gas station." I look to the floor and can see easily where I fell. It's like some kind of chalk outline the police do in the case of homicide.

"You're a jealous ass, homie. I mean, you wish you looked this good." He turns around to show me his back side, and I can feel my face morph like I've just ate a lemon.

"No. That would be … just ... no." I shake my head and start grabbing towels off the rack. I strategically place them down on the floor—that way I can leave safely.

_I hope._


	6. Chapter 6

I see Rosie pop her head around the door and I hear her obnoxious laughter.

"Rosie? Did you get a phone call earlier?" I ask the ditz, and she shakes her head.

"Yeah, I heard on the news the zoo is missing a hyena. You might wanna get back there. Just so you know, I took the liberty of calling them and gave them your number." I try to keep my face solemn, but it's not working.

"Like … just … like, shut up—" She stands there for a moment. Her eyes look like they are following a piece of lint floating through the air. She snaps her ugly manicured fingers. "Nerd-weenie, yeah … like, nerd-weenie."

I start clapping. "Very good, Rosie. That's a new one."

"Thanks." She actually smiles and twirls like she's proud of herself.

So, this girl is Emmett's "Boo Boo." He found himself his own little "meatball" named Rosie. Let me tell you, she's a first place winner. She and Emmett are the same ethnicity—orange. I wonder if, when they fill out paperwork and it asks for ethnicity, they check the "other" box and simply put … tangerine. She's got hair that looks like a pack of rats would even live in it. Last year she came to dinner and she had no boobs, but the next time we saw her, they were out of control. She was spouting off how she couldn't have her "petals" wilting, so she went out and fixed them. She thought she was intelligent calling her tits "petals" because of her name. Real clever there, Trixie. Rose said there was no shame in her game, and then proceeded to tell everyone around the dinner table about how they have a better warranty than a Ford Focus.

Um … what do you say to someone who is obviously looking for compliments? You really wanna say: _Hey, are they supposed to look lopsided? Do they feel like a rubber mouse pad? How easily do those things pop? Are they squishy? When you run, can you hear the water swish back and forth?_ When really, the nice thing would be to compliment them, but you can't.

The best part is the girl doesn't wear a bra, and whoever did the procedure didn't make sure they were even. So, when I was trying to help the girl out and let her know that her "left blinker was on," that resulted in a scuffle on the living room floor with Emmett rubbing his fake tanned armpit in my face. Needless to say, Rose's left tit is permanently hard all the time, resulting in her blinker being constantly turned on like those old people who drive around giving off false hope of them finally turning toward their set destination.

_They're a match made in whatever kind of fake ass spray tan fog heaven they belong in._


	7. Chapter 7

"Edward, you need to hurry up and get down here! We need to get our boogie on," my mother, Esme, yells from the stairs, and I find myself groaning at the thought of what she likes to call a Christmas tradition.

I quickly finish up redressing from the slip and slide and put my glasses back on. My phone dings again and I quickly open and respond; throwing it back on the bed. I huff and grimace. I'd rather stay home, talk to the girl who's holding my attention, and keep away from the fucking crazies who are probably waiting by the front door.

I groan as I think about her—my mother. She's … well, I don't know how you would explain her exactly. She's my mom and I love her, but she's embarrassed me more in my teenage years than one child should have to go through.

She's a 'Woman's Sex Advocate'. _Yeah, I know right? _There are just some things you shouldn't know when you're thirteen. When you hear certain phrases like: vaginal dryness, anorgasmia, inability to become aroused, vaginal lubrication, insufficient stimulation, and vaginismus—it makes you run up in your room and hide out like a scared rabbit during hunting season.

But, when they start asking you about your sexual practice … that's when you run.

Far, far, away.

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_**Still with me?**_


	8. Chapter 8

With Esme, nothing is embarrassing or over the top. She has always said she's an open book and I can talk to her about anything, even though I never have. I overheard her—on more than one occasion—speaking about her and my father's sexual romps; and the thought still makes me uncomfortable. How fucking disgusting is that shit, though it makes me laugh, because he was probably still speaking in riddles in the "throes of pleasure," as my mom likes to call it. She's made me nervous and scared around women for the longest time because that's all I can think about. Also, to sit around and listen to them bitch and moan about how men "can't give it to them right." Really? Men automatically get blamed and are the reason for the dust bowls that reside inside their granny panties. It's pretty awesome when you are shopping with your mom, and someone comes up and says how she's saved her sex drive and yadda-yadda-yadda.

Yeah, and it makes you an instant hit with all the girls when you bring them home and Esme hands them literature about the female orgasm. This is why only one girl came to my house my freshman year and I refuse to bring another one home again. As soon as we returned back to school, she disappeared like a fart in the wind. I tried calling her and she never returned my calls or text messages. After a week, I gave up and never tried again. This is why I prefer to come home alone and not scare anyone off.

Another secret, I think because of her, it's made me a freak in the sheets, so to speak. I mean, when you hear women complaining and telling what they want practically all your life; it makes you acknowledge what women really do want. Needless to say, the girls I've been with, which to be quite honest isn't very many; there hasn't been any dryness around those parts. Shit is like the everglades.

I never knew that some girls would be attracted to the introvert, silent, geeky types. Girls in high school sure didn't give a shit.

But college is a whole other _ball_ game.


	9. Chapter 9

I slip on my shoes and head out my bedroom, pulling my headphones down around my neck, zipping up my sweater as I go. Finally reaching the stairs, there stands my family in all their glory.

My mother in a red cloak, holding a stack of pamphlets in her hand. I internally groan at the thought of what those leaflets say this year. My father looking like Father Time with his arms full of binders holding the music sheets. A green, long-looking jacket and hood that's dusting across the floor. Emmett, well … a better way to describe him would be a bitten off Butterfinger candy bar. You know, the dark brown and inside being orange. He's walking around the foyer with some kind of limp, or as he likes to call, his swagger. His pants looking as if they are about to fall off and the collar of his shirt popped up, sticking out from the top of his coat. His hands are raised in the air with the peace signs, only slightly more hip than what President Nixon did way back in the day when he stepped off that plane. His girlfriend is shaking her so-called ass as he walks around her, like they are in some kind of Snoop Dogg video. The girl really doesn't have anything back there to shake. It's more like an extended back with a crack in the middle. She has too much lipstick on and I can see it smeared on her teeth from here. But, they are gangsta sexy, or so she says, when really they look ridiculous in their puffy trash bag coats. I'm sure Rose is going to freeze her fake-Jersey-wannabe-loving ass off in that skirt she's wearing, but hey, maybe pneumonia is a new trend. One thing about it, she won't be dehydrated with her water bags attached to her.

My father turns around, as I grab my coat out of the closet and wrap my scarf around my neck.

"Edward, I'm so glad you're here. Would you take a couple of these and be a dear?" His groans cease when I take them from him and he smiles up at me. "My arms were going numb and I couldn't feel my thumbs. It's not something I wish to endure, even if it's for a little time more. Your help was appreciated as well as anything you do. Your brother is too busy doing whatever he does with that shrew."


	10. Chapter 10

My father, Carlisle, is a poet and has been all my life.

Sure, he's published his fair share of books here and there, but it doesn't matter to me. I don't read them, because I have lived them.

He's apparently a best-selling author on the New York Time's list. All that happy horse shit. Most of the time, he's holed up in his office, or walking around, talking to himself. I seriously thought you grew out of the invisible friend when you're a child, but it seems my father still has one. I can't remember the last time I've had a conversation with him that didn't include some kind of rhyme or him sounding like _Dr. Seuss_ on crack. Even when it came to the sex talk years ago, it was strange hearing the words come out matching together when he was speaking about what goes where, what you do, and how things happen. He's a chip off that old block. I just hope one day he gives it up and starts to be normal again. Wait, this is customary for them. Who the hell am I kidding? I'm guessing that's where I get my creative and artsy side. I try to stay away from him because, before too long, I find myself mimicking his speech. For the longest time, Emmett called me Cindy Lou from _How the Grinch Stole Christmas_ because I was talking in rhyme. I couldn't help it. It's like when a parent has an accent, you pick up on it—you find yourself doing the same thing and there's nothing you can do about it. Sometimes I wish I could just knock the piss out of him, but I always refrain. I refuse to stoop to his level because it's really far down there. But, my dad is a great guy, even though he's a little embarrassing.


	11. Chapter 11

"Do we really have to do this again? Why can't we be the normal family that hangs out on Christmas Eve at the house instead of singing to people who really don't give a crap?" I shrug, and my father exhales his breath and rolls his eyes.

"I know this must be a pain, and you might think we are all insane. But, this is what your mother likes, and we must take it in stride. I understand that her way of thinking is a little nuts but I'd appreciate you not making such a fuss. This is her tradition that she started, and I'm not about to leave her broken hearted. So, suck it up and let it go, look outside it's starting to snow."

"It's her sexual networking. That's all this is. She drags us along for her 'moral support' because I think she's too embarrassed to do it herself." I shrug. "And yeah, it's been snowing for a while, old man," I huff out, and then I hear my mother clap her hands against the booklets.

"Okay, everyone! To the van. We can warm up on our way." She yanks open the door and we all file out, my father and I pulling up the rear.

Once we're all seated in the van, Emmett and Rose immediately start sucking one another's face off, while I sit here and listen to the wet, sloppy kisses which sound like a drowning man with the way the noises are coming out from the back seat.

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_**I love all your reviews! Thank you for them!**_


	12. Chapter 12

Minutes seem like hours when you're listening to someone drown.

"Would you two stop? That shit is disgusting. Nobody wants to hear you slurping each other's saliva like you're at the end of a smoothie." I turn around and my eyes meet Emmett's.

"Bro, why you gotta hate, yo? It's not my fault you're all nerdy and shit. When you gotta a dime piece next to you … you gotta play the game, dog." He shrugs his shoulders then reaches around and smacks her ass. Her answering giggle makes me want to throw up in the trash bin.

"Wow, she's worth ten cents. It's nice to know you can still find things in this world cheap enough that you can buy it with a dime—or two nickels—or ten pennies. " I start clapping. "Way to go, brah." I try and give him my best fake accent, like the one he uses.

"She's not cheap, dude. It means she's a ten on a scale of one to ten—ten being the highest."

I look over to Rose and grimace because she's adjusting her boobs like that game of cups. You know, when you try to find the one the ball is hidden under.


	13. Chapter 13

But, when her voice cuts through the air, I grimace even more. "Yeah, like Edward. I mean like … it's not our fault … that like … no girl wants you to honey nut all over her cheerio and stuff." Rose sneers at me, but she really sounds stupid with every other word being either like or like or … well, you get it.

"A girl like you? Because god, I hope not. Seriously, who wants to fuck a girl who looks like a Cheez-It? I know I freaking don't." I snort.

"Bullshit you don't! My lady is a prime rib. She ain't no grenade. Get over yourself. It's not my fault that all of Mom's friends taught me how to please my girl like a boss." Emmett snorts and laughs.

"What … with that!" I point to his crotch area. "Cheeto better known as a peeno? Yeah, that's gotta be awesome. Leaving your cheddar cheese dust all over the place." Oh, my God, I just sounded like Dad. I shake my head quickly.

"Good one, son." Dad laughs, and I turn back around when Emmett cuts in.

"Seriously, bro. Don't hate on my sexy tanned ass while you're sitting there lookin' like the unbaked portion of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Ya feels me?" He thinks he's a genius and starts rapping the Three 6 Mafia song.

"That shit is not a so-called tan. It's spray lacquer with a tint."

"Well, it's more than you got." He shrugs.

"You got a little something on your collar there, Emmett. I think your 'tan' is skid marking your shit because of the heat."

"Damnit!" He looks down and pulls his collar out. "Mom, I just stained my shirt. Can you fix it?"

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_**Ah the joys! Should I just post it all tonight ... or what? Lemme know what you want!**_


	14. Chapter 14

"See, this is why all of Mom's friends loved you … back when you were normal. You were a little play thing to them. They felt the need to nurture you. Possibly breast fed your ass, too." I laugh.

"Those women fancied my goodies. My milkshake maker made them smooth and creamy; if you know what I'm sayin'."

_Jesus, is he really that dense?_

"No, you wannabe Pauly D lovin' ass. It's because they were all cougary perverts, Em. I mean, they offered themselves like a package of Oreo's. Wanting you to split it and lick the center clean. Then you place it back together and went on your merry way. You're a nasty ass." I shake my head and shudder at the thought of him tasting old lady drizzle at the ripe age of twenty. He reminded me of that guy in that movie with Patrick Dempsey. You know, the one where he was a delivery boy … and the old ladies ate him up like some kind of wounded zebra in the outback. _Lover Boy—_yeah, that's it.

"Don't be J, Eddie. I can't help it if they wanted their shit lickity split clean. I mean, I am the dragon master at that shit, thanks to them. You know, making shit feel like it's on fire." He shrugs and fixes his hair. I think I heard it crackle under the pressure of his fingers.

"You have got to be kidding me? But, wait! Maybe that's why you turned yourself into a block of Velveeta? Maybe that's why you tried to change your image to rid yourself of the nasty remembrances of those women?" I stare at him slack-jawed.

"Uh, no. I was super fly before, now I'm like an extinct butterfly that's come back from the dead, dog." He starts to shimmy in his seat, and I roll my eyes.

"Well, flies are annoying and shit everywhere and people kill them with swatters. And extinct means you're gone for good. No coming back. You're finished."

"Oh, please … It doesn't matter, because I'm fabulous." He smiles at me, blowing kisses my way.

"You are, baby. And … like … thank you Esme because … like … Emmett rocks at the fellatio." Rose claps, and then her sounds get muffled by my brother's fish lips.

_Jesus, she doesn't even know the correct words for oral! I'm sure she read that somewhere in one of Mom's porn pamphlets. She's so edumicated! I bet she makes Emmett feel intelligent. Even though, she basically said Emmett's awesome at sucking the manly corn cob!_

"I can't believe you condoned this, Mom." I turn towards her and she shrugs.

"There's nothing I can do about it now, Edward. He was legal. Now, Jane—if I would have known then—" I see her look at my father, and he smiles at her.

"Like father—like son," Emmett yells and goes back to sucking face with Rose.

_Fucking Jesus._


	15. Chapter 15

I turn back around from the gangsta wannabe and orange Fanta girl and stare straight ahead as we head down the little two lane highway.

"Where are we headed, anyway?" I question, and my father glances at me in the rear view mirror.

Oh, hell. Edgar Allen Poe is about to spew his literature again and I groan, sliding down farther in the seat.

"We are headed to a town called Forks; about a thirty minute drive. Not to be confused by spoons or knives. This is a city where your mother wants to thrive. I think you may find it quite thrilling. A sleepy little town with a great Christmas feeling."

"Well, this is super," I drag out the last word.

"It is, Edward. Okay everyone; let's get those voices warmed up. Emmett and Rose, stop trying to drain one another of essential fluids and pay attention." Mom turns back around and starts her scales, and it's pretty funny how all of them follow; I even find myself mumbling along. But, when I hear a cat in heat behind me, I cringe.

"Oh, my God. Are we really going to let her sing? Did an animal just commit suicide?" I cringe at the sound. Screeching notes that really sound like nails on a chalkboard, cats fighting in alleyways, or lobsters being boiled in water.

"Edward, you're cruel, man. My girl sounds like Gloria Estefan and shit." He huffs out, while Rose buries her head in his spray tanned neck.

"Well, she's got the bongos. That's for damn sure," I snort.

"Are you talking about my woman, fool?"

I start laughing and decide to throw it out there and sing. "I want to hear percussion, oh-whoa-whoa." I let my voice carry loudly through the van.

Have you ever seen a raging bull during the running of them in Spain? Yeah, that's Emmett.

"Mom," he whines, "Edward's being mean." He cries out, and I laugh more. Gone is the Guido loving guy and the five-year-old baby comes back to play.

"Edward, be nice. This isn't the time to be horrible and mean. It's about togetherness and love on this wonderful eve. Now, say you're sorry and make things okay with your brother. I'm tired of you trying to upset your mother." My father lets out a loud huff.

I turn around to actually apologize, but they are back to sucking face and trading spit on a black market in Asia.


	16. Chapter 16

I carefully slide my headphones back on and turn on some music to drown out Nemo and Dori, as well as, EE Cummings and Elizabeth Cady Stanton there in the front seat. I pull out my phone and I notice that my certain special someone has messaged me a couple of times, and looking at the time, the last one was from twenty minutes ago.

I met _Izisdashiz_ on a music and art forum a couple months ago. We were discussing certain artists, popular sculptures, and musicians. Then it turned into a conversation of travel and things we aspire to do with our life. It was nice to find someone, even if it is over the internet, who seems to be into the same things I am. It's refreshing and fun to discuss topics that others would find tiring and boring. It went from friendly conversation from the chat room, to messaging one another almost every day. One instance, time got away from us and before we realized, it had been three hours. We really haven't discussed personal things. I have no idea what she looks like, but I have seen the art that decorates her beautiful body and she has seen mine. I know her first initial is B and she knows that mine is E. So, that's about as far as we have gone down that grapevine. I know I'm too afraid to ask if I could see a picture of what she looks like, and she has never brought it up, so the point is moot.

Izisdashiz: _Having fun yet, E?_

Dipanddoodle: _Sure. I mean, riding in your mom's minivan is on a whole other awesome spectrum, huh?_

Izisdashiz: _I wouldn't know. Does it have stow-n-go? Lol! So, you're caroling? Are you on your way now?_

Dipanddoodle: _Yep, and the whole way here I get to listen to my brother and his girlfriend swap saliva in the back seat._

Izisdashiz: _That's gotta be a mood killer in itself._

Dipanddoodle: _Yeah, when you're the only single one in the family. What are you up to … ya know … wherever you are?_

Izisdashiz: _Oh, just hanging out with the family at the homestead. It's actually pretty quiet except for the little demons that are running around this place. They made me play in the snow today, and I happened to ninja roll in some unforeseen dog shit._

I don't know why, but I'm trying to figure her out—pull some personal information out of her, but she never budges. I know she's in college, but I don't know where. There've been tidbits here and there, but that's about it.

Dipanddoodle: _Well, make them go home._

Izisdashiz: _Kinda hard to do when this is their home. *winks*_

I thought she said she was going "home," as she put it. I mean, she even had the air quotes when I chatted with her last week.

Dipanddoodle: _LOL! You said hard._

Izisdashiz: _Do you always have to be pervy?_

Dipanddoodle: _When it comes to you, yes. See, I even said come. Lmfao!_

Izisdashiz: _Well, it's too bad that you're going to be out singing Barry Manilow._

Dipandoodle:_ I'm way hotter than Barry, B._

Izisdashiz: _I wouldn't mind having some of your 'Copacabana' right now, E. I'm bored out of my wits end and if I have to play one more board game, I might combust._

Dipanddoodle: _I wouldn't mind giving it to you. I remember seeing how much my words affected you the last time._

Izisdashiz: _I would completely jingle your bells, E. *winks*_

Dipanddoodle: _I'd give you a sleigh ride like you've never had before. Slow—that way you can see the sights. Maybe a little faster—that way you can feel the horsepower._

Just imagining what I would do to this girl, is out of this world. My cock is growing harder writing in hidden innuendos to her via Messenger.


	17. Chapter 17

Here's the thing with me and B. After weeks of talking, one night, things went to a new level. A drunken B decided to push the envelope, so to speak. There were words passed back and forth, some oddly innocent, while others were completely vulgar, and I loved every minute of it. That's when I first saw the art that covers the torso of the girl I would love to meet one day, as well as some more intimate parts of said body. She also got the visual of the tattoos covering my arms when I sent her a picture of my dick and what her not-so-modest words did to me.

Izisdashiz: _Could I sit on Santa's lap? Whisper what I want in his ear? Tell him I've been naughty all year?_

Dipanddoodle: _I'm pretty sure Santa's hard candy cane would be happy about that. Wanna suck on my candy cane? I'd let ya._

Izisdashiz: _All the way down, licking my way back up. Twisting and twirling my tongue around the tip of it, before I take it all the way in my mouth._

Dipanddoodle: _B, you're driving me crazy and I'm stuck in a minivan full of loons. If my mother knew I was poppin' a present in my pants, she would tell me how to work it correctly while my father rattled off some sort of haiku poem about my cock._

Izisdashiz: _I bet it's not as crazy as you're driving me at the moment. I've got a toy that needs some tinkering with and hammered hard to make it come alive._

Unfortunately, as soon as my eyes close and envision Bella, I feel the van stop and shift as my father puts it into park. I look around and notice we are parked at the end of a street, and I internally cringe at the thought of caroling tonight.

Dipandoodle: _We will finish this conversation tonight, Iz. I gotta go. We're here to sing like little songbirds in the snow. TTYL_

_Izisdashiz sent an image._

Izisdashiz: _We better. I'm waiting for it._

Dipandoodle: _Holy shit! You're a fucking sexy little angel. This little drummer boy, being me, is going to play his drum, being you, so well. The best, B. I'm going to make you feel the rhythm. I'm going to rump-a-tum-tum all over you, later._


	18. Chapter 18

I reach down and fiddle with the hole in my sweater, and I notice I'm starting to sweat. It's a nervous habit I've always had. I pick at things. You name it, I'll go at it with my nails until it either passes or I've ran out of picking space. I try thinking of nasty things to rein in my raging fucking boner B just gave me after sending a picture of herself. She was so wet and waiting and it was for me. What I wouldn't give to make it only mine, but I have no idea where she lives. I don't have a clue where she's at, what she does in her free time, or anything, really.

I think about Emmett's construction cone-colored dick that I bore witness to this morning. Mom and Dad going at it like monkey's in the zoo. Grandma Cullen's boobs that came out of her moomoo that one Thanksgiving morning.

_Yep, that did it._

The door opens, a gush of cold air flows around me, and my father's worried face looks at me with sympathy. He knows I've always hated this, yet, he always gives into Mom.

"I know you hate this, and I know she can be flighty. But just try and enjoy yourself for God Almighty. This is a new place and nobody knows your face. So, please just smile and sing with grace."

I step out of the van with a huff, zip my coat up and grab my song book. "Can we just get this over with already? I'm ready to go back home." I mean, hello, I got a fucking girl waiting on my pervy words.

"Edward, please … just smile and be happy. It's the season of giving and to be merry."

"Whatever." I turn to walk away and find myself following the whole family to the first house. We find out spots and stand there like a bunch of bumps on a log.

"What happened to the boy who used to love singing; the one who carried bells for all the ringing? Who used to smile and have a lovely heart, which helped the old ladies at the store unload their carts? Now, a man has returned and our Edward isn't around. I've searched deep in his eyes and unluckily he can't be found. I know you've moved away and all that jazz, but your new little attitude is making you look like an ass. I understand how your brother is something else and that woman he's with, well—" He looks over at her and his face contorts.

A smile spreads across my face when I realize this is the first time I can remember my father has not finished a stupid damn poem.


	19. Chapter 19

"You have no words. That crazy pumpkin girl made you lose for words." I clap my hand on his shoulder, but his eyes zero in on the underlying ink that covers my arm. They have no idea how my body has become my own personal canvas, and I want to keep that hidden from them. When my dad looks back up at me, I see a frown appearing.

"I know it's your body and you can do as you please, just wait to tell your mother until after you leave. She'll scream and cry, this much you know is true. Her baby boy is grown up and with her that's a whole other issue. How much do you have; is it all over yourself?" he asks.

"I just have some here and there." I shrug, and he sighs. What he doesn't know is that it's all over.

"Is it your own art that you've drawn and designed? Or is it the work of some other guy?"

"Mine." I turn away from him and start to walk over by the group that has gathered since our initial chit chat. My dad follows and takes his spot next to Mom. It looks like a couple of my cousins have shown up, as well as my parents' friends. The great part about this, I can hide in the back and try to blend into the scenery behind us.

"Page four, key of C everyone," Mom whispers out, and everyone turns to the page. My father hums in approval, and my mother then takes out her pitch pipe and plays the key for everyone. Luckily, we aren't the only ones here. I watch as my mother struts herself up to the porches and stoops handing out her pamphlets and smiling the entire time. The look of shock spreads across some faces, as well as some half-hidden winks are given out also.

We move from house to house, street to street. Rose is complaining that her toes are numb and she's shivering. Well, maybe if she didn't look like a hooker on the East Side; wearing little to no clothes, she would be warm in some flannel and jeans like the rest of us.


	20. Chapter 20

"Okay everyone, a few more houses," my mother yells out, and I let out an internal groan. "And plus, I'm running out of pamphlets. I knew I should have brought more. The ladies in this town are eating these up. Who would have thought there were so many sexually frustrated women in this beautiful, little town?" She shakes her head.

I've watched as the men groan and cringe when they look over their wives' shoulders, and then shield their children's eyes from what the front of those papers say. My mother is in her element—smiling and laughing. I guess it's sort of worth it, watching her like that. I'm just fucking thankful that nobody knows us here.

We pass by a house that has no lights and move to the next. There we find the same thing—no lights, no movement. Or, their friends have called them and told the husbands to batten down the hatches because the crazy Cullen lady is on the loose and to save themselves. It's a wonderful thing ya know; the whole "neighborhood watch" thing these folks have in effect.

"Ah, the last one and these folks are home." My mother claps. "Everyone, let's let Edward take the lead on this; shall we? What song do you want to sing?" She asks me, and my head pops up from the phone. I was messaging B letting her know I was almost done and I wanted her wet and waiting for me.

"Oh … um … it doesn't matter." I look around and I notice the front door to the house opens as I slide my phone back in my pocket.

I see a man with a 'stache come out, as well as a woman. He's holding on to her shoulders with his arm and her hand is resting on his chest. But, the strange part of the situation is the man is sporting his tighty whities and has a wife beater on. The best part, though, is he coughed and scratched his balls at the same time. The only thing that's missing is a cigarette hanging from his mouth and a beer can in the other. The woman, though, she looks a little worse for wear. A ratty old housecoat, bunny slippers, black rimmed glasses, and a scarf wrapped around her head. He turns to her and smiles. He points with the now smegma infested finger towards us.

"This is gonna be somethin' real nice. You watch and see. I'm sure this will tickle your fancy Re-Re."

"Oh, Charlie. You need to enjoy this. It's not every day we get someone comin' to the house to entertain us. You always have your friends over and you sit around and watch football and stuff. You don't even take me to the movies." She looks up at him, smirking.

I can't help but stare at this hazardous couple with my mouth agape.


	21. Chapter 21

_**your reviews are all so lovely! dear guest reviewer - first thank you for being nice - also, I'm sorry you flounced because you thought Edward was a man whore. I don't think he is. Even stated that in that chapter you flounced that he said there hasn't been many. So, thank you for reading what you did! **_

_**This will be completed today! Keep the reviews coming and I will try to keep you laughing! xoxo**_

* * *

"Edward, front and center. Let's see what that major in Music at college is teaching you." My mother chuckles as I step through the people and make my way to the front.

"Actually, it's an Art major, Mom." I snort and roll my eyes, but nevertheless, I take my spot.

I clear my throat and turn to the song, even though nobody really needs it. I mean, shit, we've been doing this for years.

I raise my eyes to the people standing there. But, behind them stands the girl from school I've been head over heels for the past year. Well, besides B, of course, but there's nothing I can do about that special situation there. B is the one who gives me nasty thoughts while I'm in my shower; raining future baby Cullen boys all over the walls, but Bella … Bella is the one who I've lusted after ever since she was in my Math and English classes. That's about as much as I know about her other than her sitting out in the grass between the buildings with her guitar and singing quietly to herself. Her voice is beautiful, and I always catch myself listening to her. I literally sit as close to her as I can, without being creepy about it. I pull out one of my books and pretend to read, but I always watch her glasses slide down her nose and she uses one finger to push them back up. The way her eyes close when she sings out a high note. I notice how her hair always seems to sway to the rhythm of the songs she's playing. But what I watch the most are her lips. The way they move to make the sounds; fascinated at the way they curve and move together. The way she licks them before she starts another verse, sends my body into a whole different dimension.


	22. Chapter 22

My eyes drink her in standing there on her stairway in nothing but a pair of panties and a black tank top. But, that's not all I notice. I open my mouth to sing, but her hard nipples are straining against the fabric that's covering them. I quickly glance to her face and I see her smirking at me, but there is a hint of humor playing there, also. What surprises me is she doesn't move to cover them up, letting my wandering vision get their fill.

_The Sound of Music_ filters through my mind, thinking I'm Julie Andrews and shit. My inner voice starts singing, "Her hills are alive, at the sound of music." I know, I am demented, but I can't help it.

The thoughts leave my fingers itching to touch them, my mouth wanting to gobble them and my eyes wanting to burn the image to memory.

She raises her hands over her head, and I let my appreciation of her body travel farther down, and that's when I see it. A filled in design that's coming at me like one of those Magic Eye posters from the nineties. You know, the ones where you place your nose to it and move back and magically a picture forms. But this one isn't magical—it's fucking sinful, leaving me cross-eyed just the same. It runs along her hip and dips beneath the band of her scant black and red panties. The top of the design disappears under her shirt, leaving it to your imagination. It's black in color and there's more on the other side.

I reach up and adjust my glasses and I see her do the same. She brushes loose strands of hair away from her face. Her hair is pulled up in one of those crazy buns and she couldn't look more beautiful than she does right now.


	23. Chapter 23

All of a sudden, my realization kicks in. There's a reason why I'm drawn to that art. I've seen it before, and it's been on "Iz" in a lot of pictures that are saved on my phone.

I see her mouth a "Hi," and I can't help but smile and give a small wave back. But, with this discovery, my fucking heart is pounding out of control. I bet this is what those women looking for their child's father on Maury Povich feel like. Those ones who swear they are certain said man is their baby daddy, but discover she's just a ho and he's declared not to be the baby's father. But this is different. This could be her. Both of my future baby mama's could be the same girl. I mean, that's like winning the mega millions but without the creepy people coming out of the woodwork like roaches scavenging for droppings. I'm pulled out of my musings by Bella—possibly B covering her mouth with her hand and holding up a finger.

I open my mouth again and the words ring out. "Oh, holy night. Your stars are brightly shining. It is the night, of our dear Savior's birth …" I trail off and stare at her, and I see her smile at me and then it disappears. I frown as I stand there and listen to the others sing along with the correct words. I just completely fucked that up and that's when I feel an arm wrap around my shoulders. I can't sing anymore. I'm going to embarrass myself singing about stars shining, but I'm actually singing about Bella's boobs, when I'm supposed to be singing about the birth of the big J upstairs.

But, I need to know, I need to find out. I pull my phone out of my back pocket and quickly open up my messenger. I type out a message to B and slide it back in my pocket. I find myself leaning over, trying to peer into that house, looking for her to see if she answers her phone. I see two kids who look between the ages of ten and fifteen pulling Tom Cruise moves through the foyer—even with the underwear. Well, I guess it's true. Like father like sons.

"That's a dime piece if I ever saw one," Emmett says in my ear, and I shove him off me.

"Shut up you spray tan lovin' asshole."

He holds his hands up in surrender. "I'm just sayin', bro. Don't hate. I can't help it if my eyes radar in on a sexy little thing."

I turn back around and there stands Bella with her phone, and I see her typing a message out. When she finishes, she looks up at me and that's when I feel my pocket vibrate and my smile grows as I look at her.

I know, for sure, that Bella is B. Who would have thought this sleepy little town would hold the two people—well, the same person—with whom I am enamored. She pushes up her glasses, and I start to make my way towards her when I feel my mother push past me.


	24. Chapter 24

You know those movies where everything happens in slow motion, and you can see the littlest piece of lint fall?

Well … that's what is happening as we speak.

I'm frozen solid as I watch my mother sing along cheerfully, marching her way up the stairs of their front porch. She turns around, acting like she's conducting a choir and I feel my head start to shake back and forth.

"Mom, no. Please God, don't let her," I whisper out. I don't realize I'm actually talking, but I see the air from my mouth puff out in white as I expel the words.

"Mom," I yell a little louder, and from the singing she doesn't hear me.

That's when I see her lean in towards the woman and smile, and they both giggle at something my mom has said. I see the literature come out and she hands it to her. The lady has replaced her smile with her hand in shock and awe.

But, I start to feel my feet start moving on their own accord when I see Bella side with this lady and that's when my heart stops beating.

My mother has just handed Bella one of her orgasm brochures.

I watch Bella's face go from amusement to pure on embarrassment. I see her eyes scanning the printed letters quickly and before I know it, I'm standing right in front of her. I step a little closer, and I feel my mom's hand on my arm.

"Do you know this young lady, sweetheart?" My mom questions and the only thing I can feel myself do is nod.


	25. Chapter 25

Bella's eyes meet mine and a shy smile graces her lips. I look down at the brochure again and then back up to her. I see her arm come up and she waves it in my face, and I quickly read the words that are covering the horrible little piece of paper.

"Hi, Edward." I hear her whisper out.

"Hi, Bella." I look down to the ground. I'm pretty fucking positive she is really not going to talk to me again after the thing my mother has given to her.

"So, this is interesting." Her fingers flip the corner of the paper, and my eyes follow her movements.

I hear the lady, Re-Re, squeal with delight as my mother stands there explaining all different types of topics they discuss. Yeah, I've heard it all before.

I look back to Bella and I nod down at the paper.

"Sorry about that. I have nothing to do with it. It's all my mom's doing." I shake my head and look at her beautiful eyes. I've never been up this close to her before and I can't stop staring.

"It's kinda catchy, you know. I mean, who would have thought of changing the words of a fantastic little Christmas song sung by a child, to something sexual." She smiles, and I now fully read the words. The picture of a Mrs. Claus gracing the front of it. But, the part that kicks ya right in the sack is the writing above her head.

"'All I want for Christmas is an, O - O - O'." She laughs and sings while I want to crawl deep into a cave and hope to find a friend named Wilson.

"It's catchy, isn't it, Bella?" The lady, I'm assuming is her mother, asks her, rubbing her elbow against hers.

"Sure is Aunt Re-Re. I mean, you get those all the time. Christmas time shouldn't be any surprise." She looks at me sheepishly.

_Aunt?_


	26. Chapter 26

"Chuck, you're getting lucky tonight, you big stud." I glance over at the man and I see him grab his balls and puff out his chest. He looks at the ever-so-sexy-in-bunny-slippers Aunt Re-Re and nods his head at him.

_Thank God this man is not Bella's father. I thought my parents were fucking embarrassing! But, I'm wondering why she's not with her parents? Are they inside or something?_

"You don't need no little piece of paper for you to know how well I give it to you." He snorts. "All you gotta do is climb on top. You know I know how you like it, woman."

_Oh, this guy. I am man, hear me rawr. But, I think he's a tad late if he's preparing for his lifetime goal of becoming, George of the Jungle._

"You stop that, Chuck. Not in front of Bella. Have some couth." Re-Re tilts her head towards Bella, and I see her roll her eyes.

"Hey, don't worry about me. Hell, you sure as shit didn't give any last night." She starts ticking off her fingers. "At eleven, then again at twelve-forty. Two o'clock rolled around as so did you guys. Let's not forget, poaching Aunt Re-Re's eggs at six-thirty."

I've never heard her be so vocal before. I mean, of course, we were in class and stuff, but she's not shy like she seemed. She's pretty damn out there and I'm finding I like it more and more.

My inner musings are interrupted by my mother. "Edward, do you know her?" She questions again as if she hasn't figured it out, and when I look at her she's smiling.

"I do, it's Bella. Um … she was in my English class and sat behind me during Math." I try to look at Bella without her knowing, but she comes to stand in front of me. She turns over the paper and smiles.

"Yeah, Esme, he likes to watch me in the courtyard. I see him staring at me like some kind of gargoyle waiting on that humpback dude to make an appearance." She smirks.

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Bella. I'm hoping you will come around soon since you don't live that far away and all." My mother turns towards her and she grabs her shoulders. I know where she's going with this and I have to intervene. "My sons were taught …"

"Mom, stop it," I wheeze out before she gets too far.

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**dear guest reviewer! Thank you for your kind words! to much dismay, I'm not a comedian ... I work in accounting! Lol but I do what I can! Thank you all for your words and reviews! I'm glad i can make you laugh! I love them! **


	27. Chapter 27

"Oh, does he know how to gimme what I want for Christmas? You know …" Bella bounces her shoulder off my mom's but is looking right at me. "The jolly ole' O-O-O?"

My mother smiles at her. "And more, sweetheart." I can see the love for this girl already in my mother's eyes.

"Bella, can I talk to you for a minute?" I ask her, and she nods, grabbing me by the sleeve of my sweater and pulling me to the side of the porch.

We stand there for a minute, and I finally brave what I need to find out. I pull my phone out of my pocket and open up the messenger. I fire off a quick message to B and stand there holding it like it's some kind of lifeline.

Dipanddoodle: _If you are who I think you are, kiss me._

Two seconds later, I hear a buzzing and I see Bella reach down and grab her phone, and I can't help the way my heart is beating. I watch her eyes take in what I wrote on the screen and when it dawns on her, she looks up at me.

It's sort of like when Simba sees Mufasa for the first time or when he looks out over everything as far as he can see.

I want to be Bella's kingdom. The crazy monkey and hyenas and all.

"B … or should I say, Bella?" I ask her, needing the confirmation.

"E … I mean Edward." She questions more than saying it. I simply nod my head and that's when I see Bella's hand reach out and grab the sleeve of my sweater. I feel her push it up, well, as much as she can. Her fingers trace the ink on my arm and I feel my breath getting heavier.

"E," she whispers.

I take a chance, barely pushing up her shirt and reach out to run my fingers over her own art. I feel the goosebumps that follow as I make lazy lines over the marked flesh.

I lean in and whisper in her ear, "B."

I hear her breath hitch and her hand wraps around my wrist.

"Do it," I say to her again, and she pulls me closer.


	28. Chapter 28

Before I realize it, her lips are on mine and it feels like I'm Smokey the Bear chasing down a forest fire that has started in my body. My lips are moving with hers at a rapid pace and I feel like I need to breathe, but I refuse. Her mouth is warm and inviting, giving me everything I never knew I needed or wanted. When I nibble on her bottom lip, the moan that leaves her body sets mine in a frenzy. I'm like a fucking piranha. _Give me the meat_. Our teeth knock together, but neither one of us seems to mind, and I'm sure as hell not stopping. I reach out and wrap my hands around her waist, pulling her even closer to me. I love how she fits in front of me. When she reaches up and runs her fingers up and down my neck, I lose all sense of where I am as I begin to pull her body up, while her legs find purchase wrapped tightly around my waist.

I turn to push her into the wall of the house, but I'm stopped by something in my way.

_Well, would you lookie there. A washing machine. I wonder if they have a toilet as a flower pot in the front yard. I heard they make great yard ornaments._

I place Bella up on it and thrust my hips into her. Hearing her whimper, I do it again, adding a little more pelvic action into her pretty little pussy that I've seen and dreamt about in my fantasies time and time again.

Just as I am about to do it again ... I hear an annoying noise. It's sort of like a cat needing to release a hair ball.


	29. Chapter 29

**This chapter hold one of Mid's favorites! It's what started it all! **

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Someone clears their throat, and I don't give two shits. I'm kissing and dry humping the shit out of my dream girl here and they can go the fuck away. I push my hands into her hair and it elicits a squeal from Bella. I feel her smile against my lips as her own hands dig into my neck and tug the hair on my head. I throw my head back and feel her tongue run the entire length of my neck to my chin, nipping and biting on the way up.

When the clearing turns into a cough again, I pull away and my forehead finds hers, kissing it and taking a deep breath. What's funny is we both turn to the intruder with scowls on our faces. I'm looking at him, but I can't really see because my glasses are fogged up like the windows on a fifty-seven Chevy at a drive-in movie theater.

"Dad, what do you want?" Wow, I guess I was more out of breath than I thought.

"Oh, Edward, I think you are coming of age. And I wouldn't be opposed to you riding Bella's sleigh. But please make sure you wrap it in a blanket, and keep it snug and warm. Because those little guys are wiggly and come out by the swarms. So please be smart no matter which way you go, just remember to be gentle and to go slow." He turns and walks away, but before he gets too far, he turns back and says, "Everyone is gathering near the cars, thankfully we don't live too far. The songs are sung and your mom's work here is done. So, whenever you're ready to go we will be waiting for you. Bring Bella along if you choose."

I watch him walk away and I slowly turn to Bella and her face is showing a look of shock.


	30. Chapter 30

"What the hell did I just encounter?" Bella asks, and I'm not sure it was directed at me, but I answer anyway. She's touching her face like it's going to disappear.

"That would be my poet of a father."

"Does he do that all the time?" She shakes her head after she gets done gaping at him.

"Yep, every day. Day in and day out."

"You live with a sex crazed maniac and The Riddler." She shakes her head again and grimaces. "That had to be a crazy childhood. Are you the fucking Green Goblin? Is your brother the orange guy from that movie Fantastic Four?" She kisses my lips and I return it.

"Like you wouldn't believe, B." I shrug and chuckle.

"So, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say we should never play Scrabble against him. He would probably be a one man show. And I'm going to never say anything about our sexual relationship in front of your mother. I'm afraid she would be telling me where the hell to put my leg and where your peen needs to go in order to maximize the experience."

"Please … just stop." I smile. Because most girls would be pulling a Heidi and running for the hills.

"I think it's fun and adventurous to have a family like that." She shrugs.

"Do you want to come with me? I mean … if you wanted. Can you leave … ya know … your parents for the night?" I whisper, hoping she will say what I want her to say.

"Sure, I mean, I'll just tell my aunt and uncle I'm leaving." She pulls her legs out from around my waist, and I drop her back to the porch.

I stare at her dumbfounded, but she shakes her head and smiles. "Long story, I'll tell you later." She kisses my cheeks and turns to go into the house.

It seems like hours, but it's really a matter of minutes, before Bella comes back to the door with a backpack in hand.

"Ready?" I take her hand and she nods.

"Let's do this." She leans in closer to me. "I'm ready to jingle your bells for real, Edward. Let's give your brother and that thing he calls a woman a run for their money." She waggles her eyebrows and hops on my back.

I feel my knees start to give way when her legs circle around my waist and she locks her ankles in front of me. Her arms are thrown over my shoulders, and I can't help but reach up and grab her hands that are holding their own at the base of my neck. But, when she says something about my own Christmas bells bringing forth new angels and shit from them, I almost lose it.

But nothing else matters, because I have the girl I want wrapped around me like a crescent biscuit and me being her hot dog. She's my blanket and I'm her meat. That's right. I'm getting the best of both worlds. My crazy B who I was hoping to find out more about and the girl Bella who I lusted after for months.

Screw it. I'm going to jingle my Bella, all the fucking way home.

_Literally._

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_**The next chapter is it! **_


	31. Chapter 31

"Holy shit, is that her 'o' face?" Bella mumbles out and I look over at her. Her mouth is drawn back like a lady fresh out of a face lift.

"God, I wouldn't know. I try not to pay attention to them fornicating." I shudder. It's bad enough listening to it.

"Edward, do you have any popcorn? Or how about a hot dog." I glance down and point to my pants and her eyes follow. She breaks out in laughter, but looks back up at me.

"That's for later." She winks.

Bella has turned her captain's chair around and is now acting like a director on a movie set with Emmett and Rose in the back. It's like Silicon Valley and shit back there. I prefer to stay staring straight ahead, but I can't take my eyes off my lady.

I adjust my glasses and answer her back, smiling, "it better be, but no … fresh out of kernels." I shrug and I follow her line of sight and she's looking towards the back seat at Emmett and Rose. "Just ignore them, I try to."

"How can I though? I mean this is like a bad seventies porn gone bad." She cranes her head to the left and tries to see what's happening.

"If that's what you call two Oompa Loompa's getting it on, sure." I shake my head and try to tune out the happenings of the back seat love fest. I find myself humming the little theme song when something bad happens and it causes Bella to giggle, but then she stops.

"Rose," Bella yells. "Put your ass into it more for all sakes alive! You look like you're Pocahontas trying to keep your canoe from turning over."

Oh, my God. She fits in perfectly with us. I look behind me and see my mother smiling. I think she's found her new best friend.

"Like … like … this Bella?" Rose questions, as my brother is sitting there looking like he's already been electrocuted in a chair.

"No, woman!" She screeches. "What do you call that? I said move your ass."

"I … like … I am." Rose's jaw is agape.

"Bella, it doesn't help that she doesn't have one." I lean over and kiss her cheek.

"That's a no bullshit answer, E," Bella mumbles out, but is smiling.

"I like your ass," I whisper back in her ear, and it sends my girl wilting like a flower that's had too much sun. I need to water her, bring her back to life.

"I like that you like my ass." She turns towards me, wrapping her arms around me.

"Rose." Bella gets her attention by snapping her fingers at her.

"What, Bella? Rose and I do the doggy style shit just fine without your critique, girl. I know how to throw this kitty the good catnip." He grabs Rose's hips and bucks up into her.

"Apparently not, you big nasty looking cheese Pringle." She carefully comes to sit on my lap and all of a sudden, my ass is in heaven.

_Bella sitting in my lap._

_Straddling me._

_Her pretty pussy is hovering over my sausage._

_It wants to become one with her party tray._

"See … do it like this." All of a sudden, Bella's hands are on my knees. She slides her ass over my boner and before I know it, I thrust hard up into her. My hands grab her hips and I do it again.

And again.

Again.

And … well you get it.

I look over Bella's shoulder at Emmett and Rose staring at me and Bella. I grin to myself as I look at their astonished faces.

"Edward, keep going," Bella cries out, and I release of my hands to push my glasses up, but when it returns, I give it all I got.

I look up and wink at Emmett. "I'm gonna nut on a cheerio." I laugh and do it again.

Bella tenses; moaning and squeals, "Santa's coming to town, bitches."

When I hear clapping, I release Bella, but I guess my hips didn't stop, because Bella goes flying into the floor of the van. She's shaking and her mouth is open. She could be drooling, but I don't know because all that's registering is squeals and moaning and clapping. My father is singing something about Ringing a Bell while my mother looks on with … what is that … pride?

"Edward," my mother squeals. "That was perfect. Bella? How are you feeling sweetheart? Satisfied? Rejuvenated. Refreshed?"

"She didn't take a shower, my love. Bella was in a state of bliss. One that apparently nobody wanted to miss. Now she's on the floor because of a thrustful attack, post coital bliss and probably everything went black. I guess you can say it's payback for everything he's had to endure, from your crazy son, Emmett and Rose, like times before. So, just let him be and help Bella back to her seat. Don't be giving out pointers, he apparently doesn't need." My father breaks through with his own little rant.

I reach down and grab hold of Bella and help her off the floor.

"Are you okay?" I ask her and she nods.

"Perfectly peachy, E. I'm fucking great." She smiles and kisses me.

"Good." I nod and rub my nose against her cheek and return the kiss.

"What the hell was that, bro. I never knew geeks knew how to do the dirty. I'm impressed," Emmett says from around Rose's waist.

"Like … why can't you … like do that to me?" Rose turns around with a look of admiration towards Emmett.

"I'll set you on fire like a firework. You'll be singing like Katy, babe," he whispers out, but it's not that quiet.

I turn towards Bella and she's smiling at me, and I can't help but reach out and grab her, pulling her to me.

"You know, we are breaking a lot of seatbelt laws here."

"I don't care."

"Neither do I," I say against her neck.

"I think you're fifty shot beats out Emmett's Roman candle in the firework department. The best part, is we still have our clothes on." She laughs out while we listen to Emmett and Rose in the back of the van.

"I'm going to show what it's worth when we get home." I laugh back with her.

"Are you gonna make me go _O - O - O_? She whimpers the last three words, and I can't help but laugh at this craziness.

"Like you wouldn't believe, Katy."

* * *

_**Finished! I hope you enjoyed a little ride! Until next time! Thank you Mid for the work you did! I hope I did it justice! Mad loves! **_

_**Happy new new year everyone! **_


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